Samaina OS - Phir Dosti? | YUDKBH | Ashi Singh | Randeep Rai | Yeh Un Dino Ki Baat Hai

Samaina OS Phir Dosti?

It was a very humid day, the dark grey clouds so full, but still not ready to let out all that they were holding inside. In some ways this matched Naina's state of mind too. Nothing was black and white anymore, all that was happening in her life was embroiled with shades of grey. Her future, present and past. Even the parts which had been pure and pristine white were now speckled with the grey. The saying that we cannot change the past was proving to be a falsehood. Though the past cannot be altered how we remember it can be changed. These days she moved in a haze, constantly trying to hold in the deluge of emotions that threatened to burst out at any moment and destroy the calm facade that she had so painstakingly created.

As the bell marked the end of another lecture, Naina along with Preeti and Swati gathered their books and slowly exited the classroom. Only to run into a hyper Kamya and Hema who had news that Sharad's mom was visiting the college and carrying out a character check. At the moment, she was headed to the cafe to confront Sameer armed with some gossip about him and Naina. Hema voiced her concerns about what he might reveal, scared that he might destroy Naina's reputation.

Naina rushed towards the cafe. No, she was not scared of what he might say about her, she knew him too well. Not for a moment did she doubt his protective instinct when it came to her. But, she was scared of the scene he might create or how he might tell off anyone who went around questioning her character. His hot-headedness had always been his weakness. But that day there was no need for her to be afraid cause the maturity and sly with which she saw him handling Sharad's mother left her in awe. As others turned indignant at all the apparently insolent things that he said about her, Naina's eyes moistened in understanding and gratitude.

In that moment all that she could see was his growth and transformation. The boy who was ready to pick arms and rush into battle ever so thoughtlessly had morphed into this young man who knew where words were mightier than the sword, strategy more important than just attack.  And seeing this person, her heart swelled in pride, knowing that she and her love had played a part in this transformation. If nothing else, she would at least have that, the satisfaction of having touched his life for the better in some way. Maybe that would be enough, knowing that she had left a mark on him in some way. After all isn't that the true measure of a life well spent?

Convincing Preeti that she needed a few moments to herself, Naina ambled away to a quite corner overlooking the playground and settled there still deep in thought. As she pondered on all that had changed in him, she started wondering about all that was still to come, all that he would still become. All that she would miss. How would he look ten, twenty or thirty years from now? Would his shoulders grow even broader? Or would he put on a lot of weight and end up with a paunch? How would he look wearing reading glasses? And his beautiful hair... would they always have the ability to make the females around miss a few heartbeats? For a moment she very selfishly hoped that he would go bald sooner rather than later... well just for a moment!

For years she had dreamt of a life together, some dreams which she had shared with him but so many that were left unsaid, stored away for another day or for the right time to come. All the hopes that she had carried in her heart for him; some her own, some his and some inherited from his loved ones like Nanu. She wondered how many would come true. And which of his dreams would he let go as he was forced to let go of her? The home that he had dreamt of, would he still build it and share with another?

She knew she had stopped dreaming. Her life now revolved only around memories. Memories when they had smiled together with their hearts. She recalled the time when his mom had got him a new bike while in Delhi. He had been bursting with excitement as he described it to her over the phone. All he could have said that it was a black Hero Honda and she would have known exactly how it looked, there were hundreds of those in Ahmedabad. But she had indulged him and listened attentively as he described the colour of the mudguard, the pattern on the seat cover and the texture of the hand grips. She listened and saved every syllable that he uttered close to her heart to replay it a thousand times till she saw him again. And then his voice had sounded a little low as he expressed how this experience wouldn't be complete till she sat on it. That day he also told her how happy he had been when she had sat in his car the first time, when they had gone around distributing Pooja Didi's wedding cards, even though she had been angry at him. Finally, he got a pair of eyes painted on the bike's number plate, saying that at least this way his Naina would always ride with him. She had been overjoyed with this gesture. She now wondered about all the new vehicles that he would buy over the years and if his heart will yearn for her just a little in those moments.

And there was that time when one day at the start of the college, he had handed her a small gift, wrapped very prettily. She had been puzzled as there didn't seem to be any occasion to necessitate it. On his urging, she had unwrapped it to find a very beautifully carved wooden jewellery box. Sameer had explained that he had brought it for her from his first earnings while working at the radio station in Delhi. But had not got a chance to give it to her during the whole stupid manhoos phase. He then went on to say that it was empty today, but he would fill it over the years. She had cheekily remarked that it was quite small, and did he mean to imply that he would buy her very little jewellery? He had laughingly pulled her pony. Well, seemed like the biggest treasure of her life was now going to be an empty box. No, not empty, it would store all their memories.

So many milestones that she would miss. The journey ahead would be long and lonely. She felt like she was becoming something of an expert in seemingly walking ahead while looking back all the time. One lone tear caressed her left cheek, which she quickly wiped away, reminding herself this wasn't the time. The long dark nights while her sister slept soundly were reserved for this. Another skill she had mastered now was how to cry soundlessly. She was sure it would come extremely handy in the future too.

Right now, it was time to thank him for his generosity, for his kindness and for his selflessness. Everything that she believed she did not quite deserve. But then the give and take in their relationship had always been unconditional at its core. Love comes with expectations, friendship doesn't, and they had started as friends. Swati had been her best friend since her early childhood and she would never want to trivialise that bond, but her friendship with him had been so unique. All her hopes and dreams that she had never been able to voice so freely with anyone else, had spilled out in front of him so naturally.

Naina walked to the bike stand where he stood with his pillars, Munna and Pandit. The pillars silently walked away, subconsciously recognising that while she was around, just one was enough to hold him upright. Rather awkwardly she thanked him, and he awkwardly accepted her thanks. Things that used to come so naturally now felt forced and formal. Suddenly her longing for his quick easy smile and few more memories to add to her box overpowered her better judgement and she proposed the middle ground. Could they be friends again? Sameer was stunned by this proposal. Friends, just friends with her... what did that mean? And was it not impossible? He had no answer and watched her walk away with a heavy heart. There were no scales that could have determined whose heart was heavier in that moment.

Hours later Sameer lay in his bed thinking about what she had said. She had thanked him for his kindness today. Why? Since when did this need to thank each other for being human start arising between them? And why did his friends praise him for this apparent act of benevolence towards her? Had he really done anything extraordinary? Was this behaviour so unexpected from him these days?  When had everyone decided that she no longer came first for him? If that was true, that woman's words today about Naina and her son being the Best Jodi would not have pierced his heart as they did.

He had seen pride in her eyes today at his level headedness, at his impulse control. His friends had complimented him on it too. But, he knew that praise and pride were misplaced. He knew he had failed, when he had proposed to Sunaina. Anger had once again got the better of him and once again he had created a mess.

As he pondered on all this, an English movie was playing on the TV, which he wasn't really watching but the background noise helped keep an overwhelming sense of loneliness at bay. A scene played in the movie where someone had died, and friends and family were gathered in the church to pay their respect. Few people delivered their eulogies, which was then followed a shot of the gravestone mentioning the dates of birth and death. Sameer contemplated on what the world perceives as the defining moments of one's life and the how this is probably not true at all. Obituaries mention the date of birth and demise, professional positions held, and the number of children left behind. But is this what life is really defined by? Where do all the important moments in which one feels truly alive get lost?

When family and friends spoke about his Nanu, they mentioned all his accomplishments that they deem worthy of mention, his business and charity. But Sameer knew that Nanu's eyes would really light up when he reminisced about his Nani. The way his voice turned all tender and eyes misty as he shared the memories of the love and care she had showered on him. He recalled Nanu sharing the incident of his mandir meeting with his Nani and the cow tail slapping incident. He had suddenly seemed so young again and also so eager to talk about the adventures of his youth.

Sameer felt a sense of crushing loss as he realised that he could never share the memory of his mandir dates with anyone. When others around him talked about their favourite mode of transport, he would not be able to mention his as a paddle boat, because he had once shared it with a pretty girl in pink. Post his demise, no one would ever think that maybe the reason the crow was not touching the food offered, was because his soul was hankering for the extra sweet candy floss that had been touched by her lips.

That and so many endless memories close to his heart would have to be locked up somewhere, like a closet in the attic that people are hesitant to approach.

A couple of days back, while he was sitting with Munna-Pandit and Sunaina, he had absentmindedly quoted some shayari about moon and loneliness - Chaand khaamosh ja raha tha kahin, Hum ne bhi uss se koi baat na ki. Sunaina had tittered thinking he was saying something as a compliment to her. Munna-Pandit as expected had not understood a word and had looked at the sky wondering how he was able to see the moon at high noon. Munna had remarked that probably the moon was off to the market for some shopping and laughed at his own joke. Sameer had also good naturedly joined in. But in that moment, he has missed her so intensely. She had understood him. Really understood him. And all that was said and unsaid between them. She understood his silence even on the phone and she read the unwritten words in his letters.

He would terribly miss that. Even before he fell in love with her, he had marvelled at how she understood him, he had felt he had finally found a real friend. A friend he could connect with on a deeper level, not just for the fun and jokes. God knew how much he loved his crazy duo, but sometimes one needs someone with whom you can bare your soul.

She had seen through his carefully erected perfect facade and reassured him that what he was hiding inside considering as ruins was a place of beauty too. Not only had she found it worth visiting, she had made it her home.

How can you let go of a friend like this? Sameer jumped out of his bed and dialled her number. She picked it up even before the first ring was completed. And her hello laden with expectations was enough to tell him that she had been waiting for his call, even now sure that he would call. And once again his silence was enough. Fortunately, they were both saved from using any unnecessary words to break the beautiful silence as someone called out to her.

Years later they would hear therapists and psychologist using the term closure and the importance of closure. But that day they had unknowingly tried to find it for themselves. They had attempted to hold on to the beauty of their relationship and not mar all their memories.

Woh afsana jise anjam tak, lana na ho mumkin,
Use ek khubsurat mod dekar, chhodna achchha...

SixteenAgain