Hanita OS: Worthy || Patiala Babes || Hanuman || Babita

Worthy

Babita threw the wet clay onto the potter's wheel. It landed with a smack, dispersing little specks of itself onto the floor.

What did he say? Paraya mard? Apni limit mein raho? Maryada cross mat karo?

She grabbed the long stick and spun the wheel ferociously. The wheel fell with a clatter. Picking it up, she thrust it back into position and spun it again.

Who the hell did he think he was? Jab chaha paas bula liya aur jab chaha door kar diya?

Babita seized the mud and tried to give it shape but it was no use. She couldn't see the form she wanted to give it. All she saw was Hanuman's face and the vicious words he had used to hurt her.

It had been eight days since he had said them to her. Since then, she found out the reason behind Imarti's death, helped Sardar Singh and Hanuman reconcile their broken relationship, and witnessed Minnie and Hanuman deepen their own bond. While she on the other hand... her heart sunk.

She scooped up the misshapen clay, and mushed it into a ball. Throwing it back onto the wheel, she tried again.

Imarti was no longer a hidden secret locked away in a trunk or in the deep recesses of Hanuman's heart. She was now out in the open for all to see. And what a way to present her. A single photograph, taken undoubtedly moments after the completion of their marriage. With his arm placed around her shoulder, and she leaning in towards him, Hanuman and Imarti were both looking forward. As a single unit they were awaiting all that life had to offer.

Babita swiped a tear away with the back of her hand. It wasn't fair. Nothing was fair. It wasn't fair that Imarti had to die so tragically. It wasn't fair that Hanuman had to lose the woman whom he loved more than himself. It wasn't fair that Babita had to be tied down in a loveless marriage only to have it end permanently and horribly. And it certainly wasn't fair that she had grown to have expectations from Hanuman.

Her eyes burned as fresh tears formed.

Why couldn't she have a marriage like Hanuman? One filled with raw passion, and a fiery, unconditional love. For that matter, why couldn't Ashok have been more like him? Compassionate to loved ones and the world, patient when one is facing with an issue external or internal, and constantly trying to find humor and positivity in everything he saw. What was the bare minimum that she had even asked from her husband? To show her respect, and give her unconditional love? What was so horrible about that? Was it really that high of a demand?

Unhappy with how the pot turned out, she smashed her hand into it and kept smashing it until it was reduced to clay. Once more, she tried to give it form. 

She had thought of Hanuman to be different. In his actions, in his words, mannerisms, behavior - everything. He was worlds apart from all the other men she had encountered. He was gentle while others were coarse. He was kind and generous while others were greedy and selfish. He was amusing and charming without even trying. And the wisdom he held? Babita had no words for it. All she had was immense gratitude for it helped her out in more situations than she could recall.

The pot grew larger and taller.

Hanuman had a lot of qualities that she admired. His immense pride in his uniform, his eagerness to help everyone, his never giving up attitude when faced with a conflict were just to name a few. On a lighter side, his praise for her food never failed to amuse her. He didn't even have to use words to pull a laugh out of her. Simply watching him drink bowl after bowl of kadhi was enough to make her giggle.

Other times, having him interact with others was enough to make her feel afloat. The haveli would carry his laughter upstairs while she worked on some chore. She may not know what joke he shared with Lalit but she would take peace with the fact that he was immensely happy. She even found herself relaxing, seeing Hanuman's body completely devoid of the day's stresses whilst talking with Naeem Bi. A mixture of calmness and pride will nestle into her body whenever Minnie narrated how Hanuman helped her out with some problem or another.

With a soft smile, Babita watched the pot take on its complete form. Releasing it from the wheel, she twirled it around and examined it. It turned out to be a beautiful vessel. Big and sturdy to carry a lot of matter, while at the same time feeling incredibly light. She blushed as she equated the pot to be a lot like Hanuman. She took a look at the bottom to finish her examination and was dejected to see a crack. There was a small hole which grew the harder she pressed on it.

She let the deformed pot fall in her lap. Her throat tightened.

She shouldn't be thinking about Hanuman like that. Hanuman had told her himself that she had no right to do so. He was her landlord and she his tenant. Those are the lines and boundaries that they had drawn for each other. It was best if they stayed within them. Babita should forgot about the pots, and the radio. Let him eat his jali hui roti and nakchiri chai. It's not like she'll lose anything by not feeding him. So what if he won't praise her food? Her clients will make up for it. So what if he won't stay up late and help her with her troubles? She'll figure it out for herself or go to Naeem Bi. And his smiles? Who needs those? Definitely not her.

Babita rose from her seat. The broken pot prickled the palm of her hands.

She didn't need him. She didn't need his help, his jokes, or his compliments. It's not like she was yearning for the warmth of his touch again, or aching to be caressed by him. She didn't want his love. Why would she? Who even was he to her? Just a stranger right? It's not like he helped her out through some of the worst times of her life. He's not the one who helped guide her through the darkness or give her hope when all things were lost. Why would she develop feelings for such a person?

No, she didn't have any feelings for a paraya mard. She could never feel anything for him.

Babita threw the pot across the room, and watched it disappear over the divider. It landed with a crash loud enough to mimic the way Babita's own heart broke.

"Abey yeh matka kisne pehnka! Abhi mere sar par ghir jaata toh?" Hanuman yelled from downstairs.

For a moment, Babita was terrified. What if she had severely hurt him? She ran towards the divider and looked down. Gulping, she saw Hanuman standing on the first step of the staircase. Looking up, his whole body hardened. His eyes sharpened, narrowing in on her face and his jaw clenched.

"Ji, yeh," He gestured towards the earthen shards on the floor, "galti se gir gaya tha kya?"

Babita looked away. She couldn't risk feeling any sympathy towards him.

"Ji meine aap se kuch pucha." Hanuman beckoned again.

Seething, Babita glanced at him. There they were. His soft eyes, looking at her inquisitively and demanding to know all her secrets. She tore her eyes away from him and walked away. It was the first time he had spoken to her in a week and he was being so bitter. What would he lose by sharing some sweet words with her?

Hanuman's footsteps got louder as they reached closer to her.

"Aap teekh toh hai na?" He asked, standing a few feet behind her.

Babita closed her eyes. It was a simple question - how is she? She's been asked it countless times before by both strangers and friends alike. And yet, when it was uttered by Hanuman it had an odd quality to it. It made her heart flutter and sink. She wanted to turn around and tell him about all of her day's events. How the list of her clients was increasing and she was starting to find it difficult to keep up. How Khatri will drop by on the pretext of meeting his wife, but actually make some sly comments to Babita. How she was thinking of incorporating new recipes to put on the menu and would have liked for him to taste them first. She wanted to sit beside him and hear him talk about his day as well. How were his fellow officers doing? What kind of cases did he get? Did he feel pressurized by the Commissioner to finish a case quickly? Babita wondered if he ever brought the stress from a case home with him.

"Kirayedarniji?" Hanuman jolted Babita out of her thoughts.

Her heart sunk. Fresh tears pricked the back of her eyes and swelled her throat.

That's right. How could she forget? She was just his tenant. She can't ask for more. She should be ashamed for wanting to know such personal details about him.

Babita stayed quiet, and walked further away from him. She needed to maintain this distance. It's the only way her wayward thoughts would die. Silence and a hidden heartache prevailed between them. Footsteps shifted against the floor and traveled away from Babita. A devastating thought hit her: Hanuman was leaving her.

She immediately spun around, catching his retreating back. Her breaths grew heavy and her head light. She felt as if she were on the verge of collapsing.

He was leaving her.

She took a step towards him, extending a hand to reach for him. His name was hanging on the tip of her tongue, begging to be called out, but she did no such thing. She pulled herself back, and lowered her head. She cried at her cowardice. He was right there. All she had to do was say something, anything.

She looked up and saw him standing by the edge of the staircase. He was staring at her with those soft eyes of his again. For a moment she was scared. What if he had picked up on what she was thinking? She was nothing but an open book to him. It would be so easy for him to read her. So wasn't he able to read her now? Didn't he know what she wanted?

His mouth hung and his shoulders stiffened with worry. He slowly made his way back towards her, his eyes constantly scouring her face for a sign that he should back off. But there was none. As he came closer, the anger she had for him melted away. It transformed itself into pain and anguish instead. How can the man she had come to adore, hurt her so?

He stood before her with purpose. What had he told her when he came back from Chandigarh? Mein aa gaya. She had felt him then, standing in her life as solid as a rock. Looking at him now, Babita felt hints of the same Hanuman. He could have easily left but he chose to come back. There has to be a reason why his eyes showed concern for her.

She opened her mouth to say something but failed. Where should she even begin? Ask him to straight out apologize or list out all the complaints she has with him first? For that matter, why should she be the one to ask him to say sorry? Shouldn't he know for himself that he needs to do so? Does he not know how much he has hurt her?

"Aap abhi bhi naraz hai?" He asked.

So he did know. Babita's eyes watered again.

"Agar hai, toh aap se maafi mangta hoon ji. Mhaari galti thi." He spoke, looking her directly in the eye. "Woh kya hai ni ki aap dono already itni saari mushkil halaton se guzar chuki hai. Aap kyun bewaja aur takleef mein ho, aur woh bhi mere karn. Toh," He clasped his hands behind his back, "issi liye meine woh sab keh diya tha."

Babita felt as if powerful gusts of wind were blowing against her. She was being rejuvenated by his apology, as she could now finally move on from the pain he had inflicted. At the same time, her emotions were swirling viciously inside of her. His biting words that night had opened up a nasty can of worms that had gone on to infest themselves underneath her skin. For more than a week, she had been ripping herself apart, piece by piece, and laying out all the faults within herself. How she was a failure as an entrepreneur, a mother, a woman. She was filled to the brim with flaws and inexperience. Why would anyone ever want to give her a chance to do anything? To be something? Surely all the success she has received thus far has been all in jest. Someone or another will come along and snatch the little bit of happiness she had managed to create for herself.

Digging her nails into the palm of her hands, Babita kept her head lowered so that Hanuman wasn't able to see the tears that were flowing heavily out of her.

Babita had gotten into the habit of hearing these taunts from people all the time. But when Hanuman said them, it pierced right through her heart. Did he also think of her as being promiscuous? Of eyeing strange men, and involving herself more than necessary? Babita cried harder. Ashok had been her husband and she hadn't even cared for him as she much as she does for Hanuman. When she woke up in the morning, she wanted to make him piping hot adrak wali chai and garma garm paranthe. She wanted to sneak away during breaks and speak to him over the phone. She wanted him to whisper sweet nothings to her so that she can blush and bask in the love he had for her. If he had for her.

Babita dug her nails further into her palm. Her heart skipped as Hanuman's hand gently touched hers. She gasped, the flesh on her hands tingled. She kept her eyes focused on his fingers as they tried to pry her wounded palm away from her offensive fingers. Turning it around, he saw the bloody crescent moons she had engraved in herself. He gently thumbed the moons in repeating strokes. It may not have healed the physical wound but her inner turmoil had started to lessen.

Her entire attention was focused on him and his touch. His touch. He was touching her. Babita blushed scarlet red. Her instincts screamed at her to pull away but her heart demanded otherwise. He was finally here and he not only apologized but had also taken another step towards her by initiating contact. Babita was feeling overwhelmed. She wanted to wrap herself up in all that he had to give but what if he pulled away? What if he accused her of being a loose woman again?

Her toes curled and new tears fell. He stopped stroking her, gently holding her hand. Babita fell forward, her head hitting his chest. Sirens were going off in her head, screaming at her that what she's doing is not right. She shouldn't be touching him like this. What if someone saw them? What would they say? She has no right to be so close to him. What is he to her? He's a paraya mard and she's going to be like this with him? Pull away. Back off.

Fresh, hot tears flowed out of her and soaked into his uniform. Her body shook with sobs and her head started to throb with a piercing ache.

Babita yearned for silence. She wanted just one moment where her brain wouldn't be invaded by torturous thoughts. Just one moment where she can breathe freely, and be happy without the unwanted feeling of guilt.

She froze. A pair of strong arms wrapped around her. She took in a sharp breath. Goosebumps rose on her flesh, slight tremors ran through her entire body, her lips quivered and teeth clacked against each other. Her nails scratched at his uniform.

Why was she feeling so surreal? Minnie was constantly giving her hugs but they had never felt like this. Her body was never set aflame and she hadn't ever wanted to be in someone's presence till the end of time.

Babita slid her arms underneath his and hugged him back tightly. She herself didn't know what she was trying to convey in that hug but Hanuman understood something as he squeezed her tighter. For just one moment, Babita released the world. She let go of their prying eyes, their humiliating taunts, and their conditions of living. But most importantly, she let go of herself.

A calmness invaded her as she erased all her worries, and all her guilt. She allowed herself to live in the moment and bask in whatever it was that Hanuman was giving her. Security, understanding, compassion, maybe even love. Babita didn't know but it was okay. She was in his arms and he wasn't pushing her away. That alone meant a lot.

Her tears had dried, and her heart beat at a regular pace. Still, she made no attempt to pull away. She didn't want to and from the looks of it, neither did Hanuman. A soft smile graced her lips. She dared to press herself closer and squeeze him just a little bit tighter.

Hanuman chuckled. "Toh apne mujhe maaf kar diya?"

With a laugh coating her lips, she had been about to give an answer when dread crawled up her spine and hooked its claws into her mind. Her smile fell and humiliation settled in. His words came back with full force and hit her in the face. Babita ripped herself away from him, as if he had burned her.

It was strange. Just minutes ago, she had wanted nothing more than to stay in his arms. The mere thought of him going away from her had shook her to her very core. Now, she was grappling with the idea of forgiving him. If she forgave him now, what were the chances he would say something like this again?

Babita's heart was quick to give an answer as it pounded against her chest. From the deepest and darkest corners of her heart came a quiet voice, assuring her that he would never dare to hurt her again. There's nothing to worry about. And yet, there was a loud siren blaring in her head, replaying his words and actions. He already did it once, what was to stop him from doing it again?

"Ji, apne jawab ni diya." Hanuman spoke carefully.

"Kya kahu, samaj hi ni aara." Babita answered.

Exhausted, she took a seat on the diwan. She worried her fingers as her thoughts milled through her head.

"Iss mein soch ni ki kya baat hai. Jo bhi mann mein ho, aap keh di jiye." Hanuman encouraged.

Taking a deep breath, Babita slid down the diwan and gestured for Hanuman to take a seat beside her. Once he sat, Babita began to talk.

"Mujhe samaj mein ni aara ki mein kya karu. Ek taraf maaf karne ko mann kara hai par jab bhi mein karne lagti hoon, woh sari karvi baatein jo apni mujhse kahi thi, kaano mein ghujne lagti hai. Dil mera chakna chur ho jaata hai."

"Par aap janti hai na ki meine woh sab kyun kiya."

"Lekin chot toh phir bhi lagi na." Babita met his eyes, hoping he'll be able to see just how much he had hurt her. "Aur mein yeh kaise nazar andaaz kardu ki apne jaan much kar mera dil dukhaya. Aur woh bhi aise ki mein..." Babita trailed off.

Would it be right to tell him how badly he had broken her? In a single shot he had attacked everything that had mattered the most to her. Her role as a mother, her having her own business, and even the feelings she had for him as a woman.

"Par meine toh already maafi maang li. Isse zyaada ib mein aur kay kar sakta hoon? Haath jod lu kya?" Hanuman folded his hands.

Babita immediately reached out and put them down. Her cheeks burned red seeing him like that. She had wanted him to apologize but now she wondered if she was wrong to ask for such a thing.

"Aap please, aisa maat ki jiye." She requested, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Toh phir?" He asked.

Babita grappled for an answer herself. What could he possibly do that would reassure her that he'll never hurt her like that again? She worried. Had he broken her trust to the point it could never be gained again? No, that can't be it. If it were, she would have left with Minnie the same day Imarti's father had left. For that matter she wouldn't have allowed herself to be hugged by him either.

Babita shivered remembering the solidity of his arms. She dug her fingers into her palms again. She got teary eyed, as her craving for that solidity intensified.

Looking at him, she let her tears flow freely. She hated how fragile she felt whilst being in his arms. She hated how he silently pointed how fragmented she really is. How there is a myriad of issues running freely within her and due to her years of neglect, they have become wild.

There is so much that's wrong with her. How could she have possibly believed that Hanuman would ever want to be with her like that? Surely, he must have come to his senses and had thus made his remark. It had been harsh but it was still gentler than him directly pointing out all the flaws that exist inside of her. A low-confident and low self-esteemed divorcee, who doesn't have the fortune of having either brains or looks to her credit.

Looking away, Babita bit on her quivering bottom lip. Minnie was right - her mother really is stupid. Stupid for thinking the fairy tales she created will come true. Stupid for thinking that Hanuman could ever fall in love with someone after his beloved Imarti. Stupid for daring to even hope for a better second chance.

"Kirayedaarniji, kya hua?" Hanuman asked.

Babita closed her eyes and cried harder. That's what her place was: his tenant. She has to keep that in mind. She can never cross that line no matter what.

Turning towards him, with a broken voice, she told him, "Aap kuch ni kar sakte."

Hanuman's face fell. His eyes watered and his jaw clenched . His heart was broken, that much Babita knew for sure. And she was the reason for it.

She cried harder.

She truly didn't deserve him. She covered her face and let her tears be captured within herself. Why should she burden him with her failures? He was her landlord after all. The distances had to be maintained.

Feeling overwhelmed, Babita had been about to leave when she was stopped by a firm hand around her wrist. Taken aback, Babita stared at Hanuman. His eyes were red but determined.

"Maaf ki jiye ga, par aaj aap ko jaane na doonga." His voice was resolute. "Aap ki khamoshion aur aansuon ne bohot saari baatein kar li. Ib aap ki baari. Jo aap ke mann mein hai," Giving a long encouraging blink, he tilted his head, "aap keh do."

It was as if a tsunami of words invaded Babita's tongue. So many thoughts, so many feelings - they were all waiting to rush out of her. Babita felt lost. Which dam should she break first? Will he be able to handle the intensity of it?

Feeling lightheaded, she took in some deep breaths. She focused on his hand still wrapped on her wrist. He's there, solid. Once again, he's not gone. He's right here. He had the perfect opportunity to leave but he didn't. He not only chose to stay but he's still encouraging her to speak her mind out. That has to count for something.

She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. How was that possible? Just moments ago there was so much she wanted to say. Where did all those words go?

For a moment, Babita wondered if she was going mad.

Seeing Hanuman, she was able to think of only thing: she wanted nothing more than to be in his arms again.

With the little crumb of hope she had within her, she asked, "Kya aap mujhe gale laga sakte hai?"

Fresh tears had blurred her vision but she was still able to see the flitting surprise on his face before it softened into understanding. Sliding closer on the diwan towards her, he did as she asked.

It was merely two arms wrapped around her but it was so much more than that for Babita. All the broken pieces that created her were being held together and if she dared, she could even imagine them being glued. But it wouldn't be right for him to glue her back together. She had to do that herself. Her mind ran through all her fragments and felt detest for each and every single of them. If she can't like herself, then how can anyone else possibly do the same?

The only good thing that came out of her was Minnie but she too was her own person. She had a life of her own that was being lived separately from Babita. Minnie's dreams and aspirations, her way of thinking, level of confidence, dressing sense and so much more belonged to just her. If someone were to question Babita what her individualistic dreams were, she would fail to answer in time. She has her catering service but it was never her dream to open one. It's something that she has had to learn how to do so that she and her daughter can make ends meet. She may have ideas of expanding the business, but it's not necessarily a dream. She's still able to sleep well at night, and even if she ends up never expanding, she'll be content knowing that she and Minnie were able to open up a small store of their own.

She lightly scratched at Hanuman's uniform. What did she want? A family? She already had Minnie. For a brief while she had considered Hanuman to be a part of their unit but now she wasn't so sure. There was no doubt he was Minnie's father, but what did that mean for her? What was he to her? A landlord? A friend? A close friend? Was there a chance for something more?

She closed her eyes and felt the solid weight underneath her cheek. She wondered if she could somehow merge every atom of her being with his. What would it feel like to be so strong and unwavering against the fiercest of winds? To be so resolute and determined not to bow down before society's taunts? It truly must be a wondrous feeling.

Mein aa gaya.

Hanuman has continuously remained true to his words. Even if Babita tried, she won't be able to find a single instance when he wasn't there for her. Whether it was as a stranger who offered them shelter when they were essentially rendered homeless, or as a friend who chased away the worries that plagued her late at night. He has always been there to lending a support. And what did she do in return? Constantly insult his kindness by labeling them as favors? Or failing to support him when Imarti's case came back to haunt him.

Babita choked. The one time he had needed his family and she had failed him to be there for him. Fresh, hot tears spilled out of her. How could she have done that to him? The least she could have done was be in the same house as him while he sorted through the mess. But she couldn't even do that much. She really didn't deserve him.

"Ke baat hai? Aap humhe ni batayengi?" Hanuman asked, slightly rubbing her arm.

A hook had sunk its claw deep into her flesh. Word were being pried of out of her mouth but she refused to let them escape. How can she? Once he gets to know how horrible she truly is, why would he ever want to be with her? Why would he ever choose to love her and want to spend a lifetime with her? If that's something he ever wanted in the first place. 

She bit down on her bottom lip. She should let go of him now. As it is she has taken up a lot of his time. He must have a million better things to do right now than to comfort and console her. Babita tried to pry herself from him but was stopped by the slight pressure of his arms. It was almost as if he didn't want her to go. Looking up at him, she tried to find any clues to defy her reading of him but she couldn't find any.

"Aap nayi batayengi?" He asked softly.

Her lips quivered and eyes widened. She was slightly terrified by the honest security she saw in him. Will she be safe with him?

"Sab kuch bata na chahti hoon." She admitted. "Par bohot darr lag ra hai."

"Kis baat ka darr?"

Her fingers curled and scrunched his uniform. Should she say it? She has already taken the first tentative step of telling him that she's scared. She might as well state the reasons behind it as well. She took a deep breath. Her heart beat so fast, she was sure he could feel it.

"Batiye na." He encouraged.

"Sab cheezon se. Kudh se, duniye se, aap se." She added quietly.

"Mhaare se kaisa darr?"

"Agar aap ne mujhe tukh ra diya toh?" Her voice cracked.

There was a brief moment of silence before he squeezed her tight. "Agar humne na tukh raya toh?"

Shocked, Babita looked up at him. She was confused. Surely he would after the way she abandoned him.

"Agar tukh rana hi hota toh phir hum yaha..." He trailed off glancing briefly at the way they were entwined in each other's arms.

Embarrassed, Babita slowly pulled away. She immediately missed the warmth they had shared. Once again, her nails had found her palms and were about to dig their crescent moons when Hanuman intervened. Lacing his fingers with hers, he rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb.

"Aap jaante nahi hai mujhe. Mein bohot buri hoon." She blubbered.

He chuckled, "Toh mein kaunsa doodh ka dhula hoon. Mhaare andar bhi toh kuch burayia hai. Par aap phir bhi humein..." Babita snapped her eyes at him. Would he actually say the words aloud? Sensing her tension, he carefully asked, "Aap karti toh hai na?"

There it was. The one question that had been rendering her sleepless for many nights. Her heart beat fast against her chest, loudly exclaiming its answer.

"Bohot." A tear fell as she revealed her deepest, darkest secret to him.

Oddly enough, that tight knot that had been constricting her heart to painful levels, snapped. With her one admission, everything was now out in the open. All her dreams about a marriage she never got to have, her hopes to be blessed enough to share a future with him, and most importantly, all the love she has for him. It was all there for him to either accept or reject.

A soft smile curved his lips upwards. His eyes twinkled and gleamed with happiness.

Blushing, he asked, "Bohot?"

Babita couldn't help but laugh. Unable to meet him in the eye, she lowered hers and nodded. There was an easy silence between them as they both reveled in her confession.

Powered by her recent courage, she asked, "Aur aap?"

"Ji, mein bhi." He answered with a chuckle.

Babita felt like she was soaring. She was certain her eyes had the same twinkle and happiness as his.

Squeezing his hand tightly, she asked, "Aap mujhe chod kar toh nayi..."

Smiling, he shook his head. Cupping her cheek with his free hand, he wiped her tears. "Kabhi ni. Mhaare ko lekar aap ke dil mein jo bhi darr hai, aap nikal di jiye. Mein Ashok na hoon."

Eased by his words, she leaned further into his touch. It was affectionate, comforting and full of love; everything she wanted from her man. Her man, she finally had him. Unable to help herself, she leaned in for another hug. She was given a warm welcome just like before. The only difference this time around, was that she felt significantly lighter. There weren't a ton of bricks resting heavily on her heart or maggot-like thoughts festering inside her brain. No, this time it was just him and her. His steady heart beat, her even breaths, and their shared smiles. There was no room for anything else.

Asmaanixx